Beautifully Broken.

.

2010-08-27T07:35:00.001-07:00

my mum died a few days ago.

i think i'm giving up on this blog for now.

i'll still have my tumblr though.

http://kelseysunshine.tumblr.com

i already miss her so much...

Picking up the pieces after I've lost my mind...

2010-08-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's vent, today feels so fresh.
Which isn't how it usually goes.
Today feels so good on my skin.

I'm not going to say something like:

'oh..today seems like it will be good, so probably something awful will happen.'

Boo.
Those words are not allowed in my head,
in my soul,
in my spirit,
or in my mouth.

Today will be a good day. It's already half way over and I have no complaints.
My husband is home and will be studying soon.
I have plenty of books to read.
We'll have a late lunch that will consist of a scavenger hunt for food...which we will make a game...instead of a panic.
And I have plenty of time to get some exercise.Maybe tonight while my husband is smoking a pipe, I'll sit out with him and count the stars...

Yes. Today is good.

On thinking before you ramble off something cliched..

2010-08-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

“...And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds, they are immune to your consultations, they're quite aware of what they're going through...”
-David Bowie ['Changes']

My mother's health has been in really bad shape the last few weeks.
To be honest, I've been really scared.
My dad is really sick this week. Damn kidney stones.
My husband's back was out for a week.
I pulled a muscle in my back and was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days.
We have over 300 dollars in unpaid and over-due bills.
And we will be owing 185 dollars in school tuition next week.

complain.complain.complain.

I am well aware of my situation.Telling me that God is in control is neither comforting nor helpful to me or anyone in my family. We've talked about it. It's a fact.

Today, someone I love stood in front of me for 15 minutes. Screaming at God and asking Him if He even existed.

I know she means well.
Actually, I don't.
But I convince myself that she does.
I love her.
But it's so terribly hard sometimes.

Just because you believe in Him, doesn't mean your life is easy.
Why should we get treated any different? No one owes us anything in this life.

Jeez. I just had to write out my thoughts...

I captured this in New Orleans. I want to go back. Soon? Oh please, soon.

I am terrible and self promoting.

2010-08-13T15:09:00.001-07:00

Here:

http://kelseysunshine.tumblr.com

I 'sea!'

2010-08-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

I remember it well.
The day I went mad.
It really was the scariest day of my life.
But it also was...one of the best.

Maybe what I am isn't insane though...

"'Geniuses don't go mad,' he said. 'That's what people don't understand. They get out, so far out that the water is like glass and they can see for miles and see so much, and in ways people have never seen before. They go out over such depths, down down down and down, and some of them get taken. Something rushes up out of their thoughts, from the insides of their own heads and through the act of looking and the thinking itself - because the deep blue is in there too, do you understand? It takes them.'"
-Mr. Nobody
['The Raw Shark Texts' page 140]

I would never claim to be a genius.
But this passage captures how it felt.
I feel like I can see so clearly now.
As if...the world has somehow become so much more beautiful.

I never want to go back.

High. Not on life.

2010-08-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

I took something for the pain. I pulled a muscle in my back.
It feels like I lit myself on fire every time i move my left arm.

I like to think I'm pretty good when it comes to pain.
Maybe I'm a baby though.

Pearce made me take a pain pill. He feels sad when I hurt.
Oy vey. I wish they made pills like that for emotional pain. That would be lovely, hm?
Just feel numb until enough time passes and your spirit is healed.Think of what you could accomplish??

Eh...on second thought if they did have something out there like that, it'd probably screw up your liver and give your eyes cancer or something.

Any way, the pill made me loopy. I almost tripped standing. Please someone tell me how this is possible.

At least it feels a teeny better and I can lift my arm a bit.

Also, with Pearce being ill and in bed all week...and now me hurting myself...we've been spending a lot of time watching movies. Old movies. New movies. Maybe too many movies.

I'm going to tape a piece of paper that says READ A BOOK on our television. Maybe we'll get the hint...

My Tumbleweed Dream Home

2010-08-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

I don't have expensive dreams.
At least, I think I don't.
My dreams are beautifully tangible.

Don't get me wrong.
It's not because I don't know how to dream.
And it's not because I'm a lame dreamer.
I actually am really happy and passionate about my dreams.
And actually, I still need a bit of magic to make my dreams come true.
Isn't that what makes your dreams, dreams? Magic. I think so.

My first dream is to live in my own place with my husband.
Not just any place.
I HATE apartments.
I HATE town homes.
I HATE gated communities.
Not that I could ever afford that last one...and not that I would ever want to any way.

I hate money.
I hate that you have to have it.
I hate that I need it.

I don't have any of it. I've been eating week-old cereal for my meals since I got back from New Orleans.

(SIDENOTE: My parents gave me a grocery card last night so I can have something in the cupboards...so no worries about us.)

Actually, when my husband is out of school and is working, I want to have a little piece of land (rented or owned...probably rented. Owning is too...final.) and build a Roulotte.
With our own two hands.
It's perfect. Not too big.
Snug as a Bug.
It's how I was meant to roam the earth.
Simply.

Too busy for my own good.

2010-08-01T14:16:00.001-07:00

Sorry to those of you that follow me.

I've been naughty and haven't posted in too long.

Here is a statement from Anne Rice that I found incredibly beautiful and amazing.

'For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.

As I said [above], I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.

[...] My faith in Christ is central to my life. My conversion from a pessimistic atheist lost in a world I didn’t understand, to an optimistic believer in a universe created and sustained by a loving God is crucial to me. But following Christ does not mean following His followers. Christ is infinitely more important than Christianity and always will be, no matter what Christianity is, has been, or might become.'

And you can pick my bones when I'm gone...

2010-06-21T09:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away...

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door... (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away.
[Hughes Mearns]

Sometimes I get really scared that I will end up like this poem.
I don't have a lot of fears.
Cockroaches.
Drowning.
And becoming a vacant shell.

What if one day, I wake up and I'm not really living anymore?
I'm not talking about death.
What I mean is...what if I become the person who some people would rather me be instead of just me?
Or, what if I'm just...floating through life?

I always want to be free.
Pick daisies and eat steamed broccoli and read old books that have pages that are falling out.
I always want to be myself. No matter what happens and no matter what changes.

Perhaps one day I can even become more of myself. I can't think of how that would be possible, but I guess that's because I'm the most me I can be at the moment. I think as your life goes on you unlock more of yourself.

Maybe it's good that this is a fear of mine. Maybe it keeps me in check with reality. If I wasn't afraid of this, then maybe it would slowly just start happening to me and I wouldn't even realize.

It may be that fear can sometimes be healthy? Or maybe I'm completely mad as a hatter.

Rude.

2010-06-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot today.
And to be perfectly honest with you, I'm going to be rude.

I try to never let the way people think of me affect anything.
But some of the most incredible people who are in my life, have.
It makes me so sad.

I was thinking about ladies that don't think they are beautiful.
Then, I was thinking about the people that make them feel like they aren't.
I'm not saying all women that feel that way...feel that way because of someone else...
...But I was just thinking of the ones who do.

Bullies aren't stealing lunch money anymore.
They're stealing lunch.

And it's funny.
But not really.
But the thing is, sometimes the bullies tend to be terribly unattractive.

I've seen people make fun of other people because of their weight or height or whatever. And I've seen some really unattractive thin girls make fun of really gorgeous woman just because they were shapely. I've also seen some really unattractive thick girls make fun of thin girls, just because they were thin.

But the truth?
The truth is that no matter how much weight these unattractive girls with ugly personalities lose, they will still be unattractive girls with ugly personalities.
The beautiful girls can always lose weight if they chose to.

And who is to tell them how much they should weigh, any way?
I mean, sure there is always the health factor.
It's really important to take care of your body.

But otherwise, shouldn't that be for them to decide?
We decide how we look for the most part, whether we realize it or not.
Maybe we could...celebrate our differences and beauties?

So, happy unbirthday, Beautiful.

You are loved.

Death.

2010-06-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were chatting after our ritualistic morning swim.
About death.
Or...something like it.

We decided we wanted to die together.
We came up with an elaborate setting...

She wrote it into a story...

The words are so beautiful. They may make you cry.

If you feel like we stole this from a Tim Burton movie, well...we didn't. Maybe we just have brilliantly mad minds...
[end scene]

As they were approaching death they came with unsure expectations and mysterious wonder. They looked at each other before entering the wooded area out to the lake, as one of the ladies bit their lip and said, “I am curious about this new adventure.” The other lady just smiled and looked at her with clever, enchanting eyes and whispered, “Well, lets go then!” They both shook their heads and stepped further listening to the dry leaves crinkling underneath their bare feet.

As they were coming closer and closer to the lake they started to hear voices, not sad, heartbroken voices, but voices that were full of laughter and triumph. The voices soon became more clear and they finely saw all of the faces that belonged to the mouths that were speaking. They soon found there at their destinies that all the faces that were cheering were faces that through out there whole life they adored and were captivated by. Some old and some young, but everyone looked precisely the same as they did when they met the two ladies through out their lives.

Two young, attractive men walked up to the old ladies and grabbed their hands. As the men approached both of the ladies looked at each other and said, “Oh hey!” And they both laughed in their little girl ways. The men brought them to the edge of the lake in front of all the people, then they kissed them and just stepped back. Everyone started to applaud and yell beautiful things to the old ravishingly scandalous women. Then both of them looked at each other and turned around and walked on the water to the middle of the lake were there was a huge golden white pillar.

As they stood on the pillar it arose high above the water and the people below. The women just stood there in their 1940’s bathing suits posing as the people cheered. One man yelled out, “This is all for you two!” He pointed at them and everyone hurrahed louder. The older one looked at the younger one and asked, “Are you ready?” The other just gave her a wild look and said, “Always and forever baby!” They just laughed in joy and yelled to all the people below, “Farewell loves!”

They both opened their arms wide and fell back off of the pillar, as soon as they leaped from the pillar it blew up and turned into hundreds of purple butterflies that flew away. As they were falling to the water below they closed their eyes and smiled from cheek to cheek. As soon as they hit the water they transformed into their younger selves and looked at each other with amazement in their eyes. Every being on the surface could not help but talk to one another about how beautiful the two were. As they were floating towards the bottom they watched all the faces that were smiling at them, then they looked at each other and knew exactly what the other was thinking and just smiled sweetly.

They hit the ground and sparkling dust flew up and as it slowly cleared off what was left there was just two sparkling stones. One was an Aquamarine stone and the other a Ruby. Everybody said to one another how the stones were the most whimsical they had ever seen. After the two were gone there was neither a tear of sadness nor a strike of pain in any of their friends, families or lovers faces.

Only the memories of the two gorgeous, crazy Dames…

{ This almost true story is dedicated to Kelsey Sunshine }

http://parademonster.tumblr.com

I did it.

2010-06-17T08:51:00.001-07:00

I created a tumblr. For my one line thoughts.

So...If you'd like to read my paragraph thoughts, this is the place. If you'd like to see the photos or hear the one liners in my brain...go to: http://kelseysunshine.tumblr.com/

It's a mad world. I'm embracing my madness. After all, wouldn't it be truly mad not to?

We Were Inspired. So We Went With It...

2010-06-15T18:45:00.001-07:00

Two Dumb Broads

Broken.

2010-06-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

I just have to write this out. This isn't to or specifically for anyone. I just have to...physically see my thoughts written out.

Sometimes, you can't understand things unless you go through them. Marriage, pain, love, hatred, anger, sex, lust, poverty, abuse, selfishness, addiction...sometimes no matter what anyone tells you about certain things, you'll never fully know what they are talking about unless you experience it. Then on the other hand, you have people who think they have experienced them, when the worst they have had happen to them is an undecided decision about wedding colors and an unexpected work schedule.

Where is the balance of feeling? How important is what you feel? How much of feeling is reality?

What I believe is so important to me. If I didn't believe in God, I'd be dead. I have to hold onto something. I know I am fragile and desperate and give way to feelings. I would fall apart if I didn't have someone holding me together.

I must confess that sometimes I get majorly egotistical and feel pretty amazing for believing in something that I've never physically seen. It's all sort of one step above my imaginary belief in vampires and werewolves. But mostly, I'm a mess of a person who realizes that I would have fallen apart a long time ago if it wasn't for something out there that was holding me together.

I'm not awesome or special because I believe in God. I'm needy, self destructive, codependent and weak.

That's why I need Him.

Just Keep Swimming

2010-06-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

(borrowed from flickr)

My sister and I have been majorly taking advantage of my family's pool this past week.
Sometimes we pretend that we are from the 1930s and we are practicing water ballet.
There is just something so romantic about the 1930s and the 1940s.
You don't see real romance these days too often...

How to be beautiful

2010-06-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

(borrowed from papertissue)

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

(borrowed from St. Francis of Assisi)

Night and Day. Light and Dark.

2010-06-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

I love her.
She came to visit me this week while we were house sitting.

Cause we
We got the same heart
And we
We got the same heart
[the dears]

LOVE In Arabic

2010-05-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

My husband is going to a Medical Institute in June to take an EMT course (three cheers! HOORAY!). I am seriously so excited for him. This is something he is really passionate about. I just told him though, he can't come home from work and share stories. Blood and guts and needles make me feel all squiggly (good word...use it) inside and like I'm about to faint.

So, he put in his two weeks notice at his animal trapping job. Last week, he was at woman's house who's first language was Arabic. She noticed the tattoo on Pearce's wrist ('LOVE' in Arabic) and asked about it. Pearce told her that the two of us were inked at our wedding reception and how we both think Arabic is a beautiful language. She ran out of the room and came back to Pearce with a book. She told him that her husband had used it to learn English, but that it is actually a book to learn Arabic. She gave it to us. To keep.

I really love people.

Yum-Yum Gimme Some! Part Deux

2010-05-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, my chili was a hit last night. My husband ate two whole bowls...and he's a meat-a-tarian. Seriously. He digs it.

Perfect for any Vego-lifestyle or for celebrating MEAT-FREE-MONDAYS!

"Kelsey's Super Easy Yum Yum Throw-In Vegan Chili" (cow approved)

All you need to do:

Saute some chopped onions and green peppers in a pot

Throw in some frozen Boca Crumbles

Throw in some Black Beans (and/or Kidney Beans...whichever you like...we just rock the frijoles negros)

Throw in some Cumin, Onion powder, Chili powder, Garlic powder and/or your favorite CHILI spices

Throw in some stewed tomatoes (from the can section of your grocery store or home-made)

Throw in some canned tomato sauce
Cook on medium heat and stir occasionally until all the ingredients are nice and hot...

...and voila! The tastiest, easiest, vegan chili in the world!

I eat some on a bed of fresh lettuce...this is how my husband eats it...

MmMmM...enjoy!

Yum-Yum Gimme Some!

2010-05-12T12:39:00.001-07:00

Today is the official birthday of my Veganism. That's right! I have re-entered this delicious way of living. I am seriously so excited. Tonight I am making Vegan Chili (with a side of cheese and sour cream for my husband, of course...) to celebrate!

I have had a bunch of people ask me 'why??!?!!???' I am choosing to be a Vegan again...so here is my answer:

'It makes me feel the healthiest I have ever been and gives me the most energy. Also, it makes me feel sexy!'

I'm weird but happy.

Stay tuned for yummy recipes!

xxx

All we can do is keep breathing...

2010-04-27T12:08:00.000-07:00

'...every town has it's ups and downs...sometimes ups
outnumber the downs...but not in nottingham...'

The Positives:

I was accepted into Cosmetology school.

Pearce may be attending an EMT course in June or September.

I found my lipring.

Pearce and I are celebrating our 1 & 1/2 yr anniversary in June.

Life has been full of struggles, and now it seems like maybe things will be getting easier...And by things, I mean the amount of money we have to pay our bills.

'If you don't need the gospel more than the people you are sharing it with, you ought not be sharing it with them.'

-Don Allender

Sorry....and...Well...Thank You.

2010-04-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry.

We...are very sorry.

To everyone and anyone that attended our wedding. To anyone that gave us a gift or donated to LOVE146 in our name. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

We are so grateful.

There are no excuses at all for us not to be thankful. We are so very thankful and in love with all of you.

It has seriously been on my heart lately to let you all know why there were no Thank-You notes sent. So, without further ado, here we go...
...Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy who received many gifts and donations to the incredible organization LOVE146 in their name...

...2 weeks before mine and Pearce's wedding, we were notified that Pearce was let go from his job. Winter in Virginia doesn't call for very much farm work. After our honeymoon, I went back to working and Pearce unpacked our moving boxes. The money I was getting to work at my job was a blessing and more than I probably should have gotten paid. But it was nowhere near the amount we needed to pay for bills and groceries. I worked from Sunday-Thursday and by the weekend, I was terribly tired.

My health started to suffer a bit. I was always so very exhausted and feeling less than energetic. Pearce started feeling the same after awhile. We later found out it was because the 'house' we were living in (which turned out to actually be an old mechanic shop) had a dangerous sewage gas leak that was poisoning us. Eek.

2 months after our wedding (February), I got into a terrible accident one night and totaled my car. Praise God that I was able to walk away with only some bashed up ribs and a bloody nose.

By May, Pearce and I had finally found a new-old car to replace my poor Esmeralda (Yes. She had a name.), and were also both offered jobs in Florida. We prayed and meditate over it for a while and felt like this was definitely a new journey we were to embrace. My mother's health was seriously declining at this point and I was really glad to be closer to my family during this time.

In June, we were urgently called home from work to be told by my parents that after a series of surgeries, my mom was given 4-6 months to live. (UPDATE: It's been over 9 months now, and she is as strong as ever. I honestly believe she is healed.)

In August, Pearce and I were called in to a meeting at our job. It was supposed to be a meeting that was scheduled by our boss to discuss a raise. Instead, we were told that due to the economy, the private school we were working at had lost a good deal of students. They couldn't afford to keep us on staff anymore. We were let go that day.

We had a month left in the house we were living in. We had no money whatsoever and it was a miracle that we could even pay our bills. Sometimes we literally had no food in our house and would go on scavenger hunts throughout the house looking for change so that we could by a few groceries. Quite a few times some of the loveliest people on the face of the earth had blessed us with money or gift cards or groceries to help us out.

In September, we moved in with my grandmother. She's fantastic and thinks it's the end of the world and has over 80 cans of soup in her house and thinks that rabbits and dogs cause cancer and thinks it's freezing cold when it's 86 degrees outside. I have been encouraged by many friends to write a book full of my grandma's quotes and stories...one day.

All of our belongings (except a few that are kept in our one room space) are in boxes piled in the garage.

In October, everything that I am was hit with a huge blow.

In December, I moved in with my parents. Pearce and I needed to take the entire month to be broken and cry out to God separately and on our own. Just like you have to re-break a bone to assure healing, sometimes you must become completely broken for your spirit to be truly and completely healed.

In January, Pearce and I were both offered jobs the same week which we took and were so thankful for. 2 months later though, I had to unfortunately quite my job. Long story short, there were some really shifty tax things going on, and I would have had to pay more taxes than I was even getting paid.
So now, Pearce is working more than full time and we are still living in a tiny room inside my grandmother's house.

Pearce and I are more in-love then we have ever been.

That's our story. Every day brings a new page. I want to thank you all for everything you have blessed us with and I hope that you can forgive us for the lack of wedding thank-you notes.
We want to give a FENN LOVE SHOUT OUT to:

-My parents for their prayer and financial help. Also, for their incredible wisdom and council. Also for my dad's amazing organic cooking...

-Miki and William Fenn for praying for us. Prayer is the glue that has literally held us together

-The Daves family for groceries on a day when we had nothing in the house but a tomato and a loaf of bread

-Aunt Cyrene for the house sitting and trip to VA

-Aunt Kim and Uncle Tim for a check in the mail when we couldn't afford our rent

-The lovely Pope family for all the house sitting jobs that have given Pearce and I the opportunity 'get away'

-CCC for their phantom Publix Grocery gift cards

-Kristin Burggraf for your lovely mail-order baskets that seriously blew us away and blessed our souls

-Sarah Daves for your emails and letters

-Tiffany and Kelli for your laughs at Starbucks, road trips, and scary movies

-Vanessa Evans for your beautiful spirit and friendship (and also random movie and dinner dates)

-Dan and Patti Pribus for giving a strange girl like me a job and not firing me for all my sick-day absences.

-Taco bell for your 89 cent menu and vegetarian items

The list goes on and on...

...Thank you.

lovelovelove,

MMMmmm...delicious.

2010-04-06T13:23:00.001-07:00

Life is different. I feel different. I feel more like myself.

Since becoming engaged to my lovely husband back in June of 2008, most of my passions were set on the back burner. In most cases, that's usually a negative thing. But this time, it's positively delightful. Sometimes things have to slow cook in order to become delicious. My passions have been sitting in a cauldron and slowly cooking for nearly two years and I think they are finally ready...

I'm so excited. I have no idea how, what or when...but I'm a believer that this year things are going to change. This year things will be very different. I'm pumped.

To top it all of, Pearce has agreed to have MEET FREE MONDAYS. I'm so proud of him.

Will you join my little family in having meet free monda ys?

Fenn xxx

Macca!

2010-04-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

(shout out to George)

I'm still left speechless at the simply brilliant amazingness of Sir Paul McCartney. Can we just talk about what a dream seeing him was? Woah baby. And to top it all off...it's Lennon/McCartney week on Idol tonight. Sheesh. What a good week.
I grew up listening to the Beatles and McCartney and Lennon's solo albums, as well as some Wings thrown in there for good measure. Sir Paul McCartney is a living Legend. His is one of the most brilliantly talented musicians of all times.
Think I'm exaggerating? During the 3+ hours of his show, he didn't take even ONE sip of water, and he played the bass, the acoustic guitar, the electric guitar, the mandolin, the ukulele, and the piano.
I just had to spend this time to rave on about how incredible seeing him perform was. I can't get over it. Words may never be able to express this experience. I'm ok with that.

Fenn xxx

ROAD TRIP!

2010-04-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

Alligator Alley, here we come!

Tonight after my lovely husband-monster gets off of work, we will be picking my brother (Kerry-singer/song writer/keyboardist/guitarist/Target worker) and heading out to Miami to see the beautiful Macca! Yes. Sir Paul McCartney, ladies and gents.

I am so blessed and excited and let's cross our fingers with hopes of him singing 'Yesterday.'

Hooray!

Until then...there's packing and laundry and feeding pups (I'm house sitting at the moment)...but at 7:30 tonight, we are leaving with our sack of my famous home-made dinner sandwiches, a camera, and plenty of music and heading out to cross Alligator Alley. The three of us are pretty pumped about this...maybe you'll be seeing some ally alley photos in the next post?? We shall see, lovelies...

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW OUR ROAD TRIP UPDATES ON TWITTER!

Fenn xxx

Paint it Black

2010-03-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

Oy. It's been a while. Is anybody out there? Eek. I think maybe I've lost everyone. Oh well. That's alright. I'll get 'em back[:

Quick Updates:

Pearce has a job working as an ANIMAL TRAPPER (that's right ladies and gentlemen...)!

I just became a MARK. REP! Hooray! Mark. is a division of AVON. The cosmetic colors are extraordinary, the prices are incredibly inexpensive, and the quality is high class. If I can afford it, anyone can! And if you purchase through my eBoutique, then I get a cut of the profits. THANK YOU THANK YOU!

http://kfenn.mymarkstore.com/

CLICK HERE to read about why I am selling MARK.

Fenn xxx

love love love...

2009-12-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow is my one year anniversary. My husband and I have been married one whole year. We had just enough money to pay our bills this month and that's it. Guess what just happened today? Firstly...we magically have more money than we thought we had. $70 more. Trust me. We calculated over and over and over again until our brains turned blue. This money just appeared.

This means we can maybe rent a movie, put some gas in our car, buy the parts needed to fix our car, get a bite to eat, do a little somethin-somethin special for our One Year of 'I LOVE YOU' celebration!

Next week, besides fixing up our missions support letter, I will be going through my things to give to people who don't even have a dollar for Christmas. I don't have very much. I can't afford gifts for Christmas. But I have things. Therefore, I can give things. I'd like to challenge you today to continue to remember how fortunate a life we all live. Even the poorest of the poor here in America are blessed. Me included[:

we.are.blessed.

Fenn xxx

Come Be the Fire Inside of Me...

2009-11-24T18:17:00.000-08:00

The news. The wonderful fantastic news. HOORAY FOR NEW ADVENTURES! Pearce and I have the most amazing opportunity to go on a short term missions trip to the Dominican Republic March 26-April 2.

Missions? It's not about religion. It's not about getting people involved in their local church. There's no agenda. It's love. It's desperation. It's time. It's feeding the hungry. It's holding orphans. It's brushing up against someone who might have never been touched. It's giving hope. True hope. It's giving truth.

Starting next month, Pearce and I are going to start raising funds so that we can dive back into full time missions by the end of next year. We have several opportunities in Australia, Thailand, Mexico, and even here in Florida. We are just waiting to hear from God where we are to move and live and love first.

We have our first mission though...start to raise funds.

We have our second mission...Short term trip in March.

Our mission isn't to scream 'Jesus Loves You!' to others...It's to show them...and maybe use words if necessary...maybe.

It's a call I will answer. I know that this is just as much for me as it is for anyone else...and I will go. I'm not perfect. I can't always show how to be good from example. But I can love. I can learn. I want to be more like Jesus in every way...and to do that...I have to follow the life He lived...

Fenn xxx

Karate Chop To the Brain...

2009-11-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hello lovelies! It's been too long. Is anybody out there anymore? Oops! I may have lost my following. That's ok. If you dug my craziness before...perhaps you'll be back?

Well, a quick update on the job sittuation...I had two jobs one week (St. Lukes included), and then the next week they both told me they made a mix-up (before I even started working)...one decided that they wanted someone with medical experience, and the other accidentally over-hired. Egad. This 'finding work' business is harder than it looks! I promise I'm not even holding out for a management position...

So...I'm jobless. Again...er...still. Jobless and needing some change. But what can you possibly change when you have no money to change things with? Your hair, of course. I usually cut my own hair and my husband's hair and random friends'/relatives' hair. But I needed a major change. I just needed to chop it all off. So...I asked my husband if he could cut the harder-to-reach-places...AND HE ENDED UP DOING MY ENTIRE HAIR STYLE. With much council from me, of course[:

I think he did a fabulous job and I am definitely proud of him.

I have some exciting news that I will post later tonight or tomorrow. I don't want to make this a run-on blog entry...Thanks for coming back and reading, friends!

Fenn xxx

Oh Me, Oh My!

2009-10-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well.

What a week! I received a follow-up call from St. Lukes two weeks ago, and after days of phone-tag, we finally made the connection. They scheduled a second interview for me for the data entry position. Hip-Hip-Hooray!

Wednesday, I walked into St. Lukes dressed completely different from my first 3-hour interview. I went to the second floor (surgery deck) wearing a longish black skirt, gray v-neck t-shirt, and a long black cardigan. I was a different sort of bag lady that day.

After an hour of meeting new people and talking away, they gave me the news. The position was mine! Part time-3 hours a week. YES!

I start in 2 weeks (i think...they are going to call me...). I am just so excited about this that I had to write it down. It's small, but it's a stepping stone and it feels great. On the way home from the interview I even stopped in a few more places to apply. No luck. Not even the greasy spoon 24-7 diners are hiring! Oy vey.

But I know I'll be able to go on 2nd job interviews soon...I can feel it.

Fenn xxx

Put the blame on Mame, boys. Put the blame on Mame...

2009-10-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

Surprise, Surprise! Someone paid for us to come up to Virginia for a week to visit with friends and family! So at the moment, I am sitting in a house surrounded by trees on top of a mountain. Beautiful.

We got the news on Tuesday, and we left on Thursday. When we found out, I cheekily told my pop that maybe we were fired from our jobs and thrust into an uncomfortable lifestyle just so we could make this trip.

I like to joke around at the pockets of the people who believe that everything happens for a reason, whether tragic or happy. Bare with me. I don't claim to have it all figured out. It's clearly not 'my way or the highway' (thank God)...But when people like to give me their personal comments about how God has 'given' my ma major sickness since I was 9 for a reason...it starts to get personal, and it starts me thinking. God lets baby girls in Thailand be prostituted to rich German and American business men. God lets beautiful women be raped and bitten- as a mark of rape, in Darfur...all for a reason? What is this incredibly amazing reason that such a majority of people speak of? How can we believe and trust and love a 'god' who would willingly choose these things to happen...turn his face away...all for some greater good?

Maybe a better question...is that really faith? To just blindly decide that everything happens for a reason? I think that takes the pressure off of faith. Instead of realizing that we live in world that is falling to pieces more and more everyday and taking responsibility for our basically un-good nature, we decide that it's God's will and that's it.

It helps numb the pain to be able to blame Him, though. Doesn't it? Instead of facing the raw reality of living, we take our medicine with a spoonful of sticky sweet religion.

If we could just open our eyes...we could realize how desperate things are. Maybe then we would realize the urgency and emotion behind the words Jesus spoke when he said to go into all the world and share His love.

When we reject reclining in the comfortable bed of placing the blame on God, we can truly begin to experience life. It hurts. It hurts like hell. But it is also more beautiful. Suddenly, actions take meaning. Words become poetry. We realize that life isn't waiting in line, but a dance. It's a beautiful dance with our creator.

Shall we dance?

Fenn xxx

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup...

2009-09-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

These last couple of weeks have been intense beyond belief. Pearce and I are definitely living the nomad life. We lived a few weeks with my grandmother, this week we lived with my parents, a few days in between we stayed with one of my dearest friend's Tiffany...I am so thankful for the people who have shared love with us in our greatest time of need. YOU GUYS ROCK OUR WORLD!

All of this...while still looking for jobs. Our bank account was slowly reaching zero...and with three hundred dollars worth of bills to pay in a few weeks...worriedness occasionally popped up...but then, BAM! God blessed us with the EXACT amount that we need for our bills, plus a few extra dollars so we could put gas in our little put-put car. Hip-Hip-Hooray!

It's times like these when I fall in love all over again with Paul. You know, the guy that wrote Romans and 1st and 2nd Corinthians? Can we just talk about how amazing this guy was? Totally a classic nomad. The words of Solomon best sum up my feelings about our whole situation...

[Proverbs 30:8-9]

'...Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say,

'Who is the Lord?' Or I may steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.'

This is how I feel in every situation. Let me tell you...it's really exciting to see it play out in real actual life.

My sister is home from Russia. If Pearce and I were living in an economically stable situation, we'd come over to my parent's house one night for dinner and I would have heard a few exciting stories from my sister. Instead...we've been having late-night sleepovers and talking until the wee hours of the night about gypsies and people named Sasha and the Red Square and and how much we both love people. I wouldn't trade this time for anything in the world.

We aren't any where near hungry. We aren't sleeping on benches. Our friends and family have been blessing us unbelievably. God doesn't always provide in the way we want or expect. We don't have one home. We have many homes! Money falls from the sky so we can pay our bills. This life we live...is simply beautiful.

Fenn xxx

Happy love-nest RELOCATION DAY!!

2009-09-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

Also known as...moving day. Oy. What a day. My lovely pop and husband loaded up all our belongings this morning and took them away.

I must admit that getting kicked out of a place you live in due to the economic struggles of the land-lord that owns the house, sends you into quite a doozy. This is why everyone should have a Hungarian grandmother with a spare bedroom. She's honestly been wanting us to move in with her since Pearce and I first said 'I do.' She literally has the biggest heart of any one I have ever met. Even bigger than the Grinch after he started loving the Whos down in Whoville.

Trusting in something bigger than yourself is sometimes really difficult...especially when you think you'll be homeless. But we are blessed beyond belief. Oh, yes. This is a new adventure. The gypsy in me is bouncing off the walls with happiness. I love love love change.

Moving this time around brought about a huge and amazing discovery. Nearly everything Pearce and I own, from clothing to furniture, has been given to us. And none of it is creepy-polyester-flashback-bad 70's-style either. It all fits our mojo (style). Our Bohemian/Hobo/Rock N Roll-ish style. Perfect. We are blessed beyond belief.

To top it all off...We just got back from a fabulous vacation in Daytona Beach! A lovely couple my parent's have been friends with for ages decided to graciously bless us by letting us all use their time share! Hip-Hip-Hooray! 4 days and 3 nights of beach and sun and sunsets. Delicious.

So now we are in a new place. I am terribly excited. Soon to have a new job as well. Can we just talk about how I have applied for around 25-35 jobs in the last month? But EVERYONE needs a job these days...so positions are filling fast...I keep getting emails that tell me my resume was too late but they'll keep it on file for the future. Egad. Oh well. We are still blessed beyond belief...and the adventure continues...

Fenn xxx

What a beautiful God there must be...

2009-08-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband and I took a drive through the suburbs to run an errand. I hate the suburbs. I grew up mostly in the suburbs. It's definitely for some people. It's definitely not for me. I hate the suburbs.

As we were driving, we passed my old old neighborhood. Not my old neighborhood, the one that I moved out of for good when I got married, but my old old one. The one I lived in from the age of 6 to about the age of 10. At the light by Jenner Ave, there is a bench. A bus stop bench. And at that bus stop bench last night, there was a lady. Her head was down, and she was a bit bent over. Short dark gray shaggy hair, baggy khaki shorts, khaki socks pulled up mid-calf, loose t-shirt, a few shopping bags, and the most purpley hat I have ever seen in my life. I never saw her face.

As I passed her driving, I just knew it. She was Jesus.

When I was in Houston, TX there was a homeless guy named Tom-Cat. He smoked weed and loved Jesus. He told me all sorts of wild stories about his past days. A regular person would probably shake their head and decide that he was off his rocker. Maybe he was. Doesn't mater. He was Jesus.

When my whole family went to rescue my baby sister from China, we went out to eat the second day we were there. Walking amongst the bustling city of Beijing was very intimidating and exciting all at the same time. We actually had the chance to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe there (and buy plenty of t-shirts with their Beijing logo, of course). While we were leaving and walking back to our interestingly amazing 4 star hotel rooms, my brother River saw him. He was a little boy decked in rags, maybe 6 years old...playing a hand-made instrument. He was blind, and begging for money. River gave him everything he had...his leftover food in their styrofoam casing...and all the coins in his pocket. I know for a fact...that little boy was Jesus to River.

Jesus was one of us. He looked like us. He smelled like us. Every now and then, I've noticed that God likes to place someone in my path. Well, I guess more accurately, puts me in someone else's path. He likes to remind me that whether we love him, know him, seek him, hate him, don't wanna know him, or whatever, that He is a part of us. His breath created us. That makes us a part of Him.

These encounters really knock me off my feet. I see Jesus in the radicals and the martyrs. Maybe you see Him in the televangilists with their shiny hair and bright smiles, or maybe even the soap-box-Bible-shouters and sign holders. But what about the ones we forget about? What about the ones who are quiet? What about the ones who go unheard? For me, those are the ones that have the biggest impact.

The random bag lady with her bright purple base-ball cap sitting at the bus station. She is the one that reminds me of Jesus. I don't know her name. I don't know what her voice sounds like. I don't know her story. But last night, she was Jesus. And that speaks more to me then I could ever try to express.

Fenn xxx

(not the suburbs, but possibly why I'm a vegetarian...wait. what?)

Calm and Collected

2009-08-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Ooo la la!

I had a job interview this morning. So, I stumbled out of bed at 8:10am and rolled onto my yoga mat to embrace my morning crunches. Oh, and by 'embrace' I mean mostly freezing my booty off while finishing the routine and trying to pry my sleepy eyes open...

After my scuffle on the floor...I played dress up, washed and painted my face, and dabbed on some yummy frankincense oil. My delicious rock-n-roll husband wanted to take me to my interview this morning...so we had a lovely ride to down town Tarpon listening to the best of mewwithoutYou. The interview was scheduled for 9:30am and I walked through the doors 15 minutes early (score!).

The March Hare in the Hallmark version of Alice in Wonderland said it best...'I say, I say, I say...In this world it's not what you know, but who you know.' I am very very thankful for the absolutely lovely people that I know. So thankful. Because of a dear family friend, I was interviewing to become an Ophthalmic Assistant (remember! It's opHth...not opth....). Also, at the same time (because, I guess that's just how I tend to fall into things...) I was interviewing for a data entry position.

This first yummy little job is fast paced and very people oriented, so I love it already. The second...kind of explains itself.

Where oh where was I this morning? Oh...just a little place I like to call St. Luke's Cataract and Laser Institute. The place that is home to The Godfather of all Ophthalmologists. Oof...what a wild ride. It was fantastic. EVERYONE was dressed in stark-white scrubs. No gaudy-but-fabulous 5-inch zebra painted nails, no hot pink lipstick, and no 12cm gold hoop earings. Old Testament Bible murals on the walls and sweet smiles greet you as you walk into the sign-in-and-sit-while-waiting center. Today was especially buzz-a-licious because not only was The Godfather at this location (there are 5 locations...) today, but so was his equally incredible son (Godfather Jr. aka Dr. Pit Gills). So, after all of this...they still had time to interview me.

It wasn't a little hi-and-bye interview. This interview lasted 3 hours and I met so many amazingly sweet yet professional people. I was called cute and adorable but I was forewarned. If I ever am scheduled to meet Dr. Gills, I should definitely dress more conservative, more neutral colors, less like punky brewster. Good to know.

So, that's it! It was lovely and quite an adventure...and I was honored to be there while two amazing Ophthalmologists where present.

I was told to expect a few calls soon...hip-hip-hooray!

Today's dress-up:
two-tone flowerish vintage brown & cream tube top dress - gift from my grandma
plumb pocketed bag lady cardigan - Anne Taylor Loft (super duper sale!!)
creepy face - mine
gladiator sandals - My getaway-wedding shoes (since I didn't wear any for the reception or ceremony)

Fenn xxx

Ooof...

2009-08-16T17:54:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to steal a moment to sing the praises of my local produce stand. Especially since it's located behind a Wal*Mart. Also especially, because a random older gentleman mumbled something about it to my husband as we were picking out tomatoes at the local grocery store last week.

I'm in love. With a produce stand. But not just any produce stand. Isaak's Produce Stand.

It's literally the most beautiful thing to come out of spending these last four months living off of a major 6 lane road in Clearwater. Oy. It was worth it...

That entire beautiful bushel of fruits and veggies. $3.66. WHAT? Yes. THREE DOLLARS AND SIXTY-SIX CENTS. Why has it taken me so long to discover local shopping? Well, the only time I really ever bough from a local produce vender was while I was living in Newcastle, Australia. I bought an avocado for $6. BUT! I have shattered all my thoughts of how expensive these places are...and I have seen the light.

Fenn xxx

Vegan is Scrumdiddlee-umptious!

2009-08-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

This recipe is soooo yummy. My husband is a carnivore, so when I make this for dinner, usually I'll cook him up some chicken instead of the tofu (But he likes my yummy tofu too!).

How this recipe sparked into the world: Frugalness breeds creativity! When you work at a teeny country grocery store in the mountains of Virginia and you want to have a romantic dinner with your boo...you grab ideas from labels and books and web-sites and memory and you mix and match them all together. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes you definitely win.

'Kelsey's Same Same But Different Tofu Curry Delight'
(serves 2-4 ragamuffins...depending on how much the men eat!)

Thai Red 'Curry up, baby. Let's eat!' Paste:

-Drop 1 tbs. of olive oil into a pan

Saute:

-3 tbs. chopped shallots
-4 tbs. minced garlic
-1 tbs. chopped galangal (or... Chinese ginger)

Stir together for 1 minute until mixture smell yummy and fragrant.

Add your sauteed mixture to a blender with:

-10-15 fresh red chilies (less for little spicy, more for hot hot hot!)
-1 tsp. minced lemon grass
-1/2 tsp. chopped kaffir lime leaves
-1 tsp. cilantro root (or cilantro leaves)
-1/2 tsp. pepper
-1 tsp. coriander
-1 tsp. cumin
-1 tsp. salt

NOW! Pulse. Pulse. Pulse- in the blender until everything becomes paste-like.

And voila! You have your curry paste! Also, if you keep this in a nice tight jar, it should keep for about 2-4 months.

If you aren't up for the challenge of making your own red curry paste, you can pick up a jar of pre-made curry paste at your local Asian/Indian market store.

NOW! Let's start really cookin'.

-In a pan, lightly simmer one 14 oz can of coconut milk.

COCONUT MILK SIDE NOTE-- If you use natural or organic unsweetened coconut milk like me, don't be alarmed when you open up the can. Because the milk is chemical and preservative free, it will most likely be naturally separated. Just empty the contents into your pot, and after the heat runs through it for a few minutes...you'll go from this...to this...

-Add 1-2 tbsp of curry paste
-Stir over medium heat for about 4-6 minutes
-Add 1/3 cup of water
-Let sit on low heat for around 8-12 minutes, stir occasionally.

Now! In a separate pan...

-Drop some olive oil into the pan
(Suggestion: lightly simmer freshly minced garlic before adding tofu)
-Add medium sliced strips of firm tofu to your pan after oil starts to crack and sizzle
-Add raw broccoli, bean sprouts, snow peas, and freshly stripped red and green bell peppers
-Lightly fry both sides of tofu until lightly brown and crispy

HOORAY! Now you are ready to place your tofu creation on plates and add your curry sauce right on top. You may even like to cook up some jasmine rice and place everything nicely on top.
(LAST yummy suggestion: serve 'Kelsey's Same Same But Different Curry Delight' with some delicious NAAN bread)

I hope you enjoy this delicious yummy vegan recipe. Maybe you can even add or take away some things and make it your own. Blim-Blam.

Bon Apetit!

Fenn xxx

What up, Shadrach. My name's Abednego. Nice to meet you.

2009-08-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is how I've been greeting my ma lately.

The things that have been happening in our (Pearce and Kelsey...you know, the usual suspects) lives over the past 8 months could be the subject of a newly-wed's made-for-television movie of the month. But you know what? Who cares. Seriously. You don't care. I don't care. And God doesn't care.

Yeah. I said/wrote it. God doesn't care. He doesn't care because He knows how big He is (obviously...not in a 'hey I'm big...lookatme' way). I don't care because I know how big He is. He doesn't care about all the b.s. happening. But he cares about me and my husband...and since He's not in the business of screwing his lovelies over, I can fully say that He's not doing this to teach me a lesson or because I've sinned or to let someone see how messed up I am and find Him. But I completely know that He'll use this to maybe do one or two of those things. Maybe even all them. Egad. Maybe He'll even use this stuff to do things that I haven't even thought of.

And that's what I have to say. I'm not going to update my facebook about it 5 times a day or keep people up to the minute about how hellish life is on twitter. It bothers me when people do that...and you know what? It's tempting to do that sometimes for attention or the occasional 'you rock' comments...and you know what else? I may be guilty of doing that a few times. So, I'm sorry.

Any way, that's it. My life is good. I have a husband who loves me and we are seeking God together about whatever our next adventure will be. I have my parents and my brothers and sister who are amazing and inspiring and talented and gorgeous that I can be with and love with and have sleep-overs with. I have the most beautiful and colourful friends that encourage me and speak into my life and let me speak into theirs.

My 15 year old sister, Hannah...is going to Russia next month. You know, just to hang out with homeless people and ex-prison inmates.

My 18 year old brother, Kerry...is living in Australia and experiencing God in the ocean, and in people, and in the sand, and in music, and in the quiet.

Seriously...I would not change one thing. It's cliched...but definitely fitting. Usually, the things that are weeds, turn out beautiful.

Fenn xxx

No.More.Soup.

2009-08-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

[Genesis 25:19-34]

I just read about Jacob and Esau. For the 30th time.

First off, this poor guy Esau. He came out of the womb looking like a monkey. Verse 25 says 'his whole body was like a hairy garment.' So, already...he wasn't having a very happy childhood.

Second, he was favored by his dad for the food he could cook. His ma favored his brother. Then, he trades his brother his birth right for some soup. Really, man?

One Day, he goes out hunting, and comes home starving saying he was about to die if he didn't eat. Now, was that real or exaggeration? Any way, he gives up his birth right. His life blessing. For some crummy soup.

I used to think this guy was a complete idiot. I mean seriously...soup for a birth right...? I judged Esau, and I don't think he deserved it one bit.

How many times have I done that? How many times have I robbed myself of a blessing just because I was selfish and impatient.

I know that I've settled so many times for things that were easy. Things that I thought I wanted or thought I needed. I've ignored and given up things that God has wanted to bless me with for cheap and easy thrills.

That's what I know. But what about the times I don't know about? What about the things that slipped under the radar...or the things that I was too blind to realize?
So that's it. No more soup.

I know I'm going to freak out and mess up. But I'm going to make a conscious effort to think before I make hasty decisions. No more trading a blessed life for a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup.

no.more.soup.

Fenn xxx

Jabberwocky

2009-08-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

Alice.

Let's ignore the social and political aspects of her life for a second.

She is upset at life and the things that she has to do in order to 'make it' in life (in her case...sing to entertain her parent's social gathering). She feels out of place and uncomfortable in her own skin. So, in an attempt to escape from the stress of her life, she falls down a rabbit hole, nearly drowns in her own self-pitying tears, meets a mad hatter, experiments with shrooms, abuses some animals by playing a game of croquet, and rescues a baby that turns out to be a pig (shrooms?)-all while the Queen of the land is wanting her head on a platter.

Um...sounds like life after moving out of your parent's house? yeah. same here.

The thing I really love about Alice is that...there she is...brooding about looking like a freak in front of people...but when she get's away from her uncomfortable comfort zone, and stumbles into Wonderland, she realizes that everyone is a little mad. And some people are totally willing to accept it and maybe even boast about it. And that is what makes the difference.

Experiencing other people's madness made Alice ready to face her own madness...and even accept and learn to enjoy it.

Something I think I've been learning my whole life...Enjoy what you do. Bring your personality into every aspect of your life that you can. Rock your madness.

Fenn xxx