.

my mum died a few days ago.

i think i'm giving up on this blog for now.

i'll still have my tumblr though.


http://kelseysunshine.tumblr.com

i already miss her so much...

Picking up the pieces after I've lost my mind...

After yesterday's vent, today feels so fresh.
Which isn't how it usually goes.
Today feels so good on my skin.

I'm not going to say something like:

'oh..today seems like it will be good, so probably something awful will happen.'

Boo.
Those words are not allowed in my head,
in my soul,
in my spirit,
or in my mouth.

Today will be a good day. It's already half way over and I have no complaints.
My husband is home and will be studying soon.
I have plenty of books to read.
We'll have a late lunch that will consist of a scavenger hunt for food...which we will make a game...instead of a panic.
And I have plenty of time to get some exercise.Maybe tonight while my husband is smoking a pipe, I'll sit out with him and count the stars...

Yes. Today is good.

On thinking before you ramble off something cliched..

“...And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds, they are immune to your consultations, they're quite aware of what they're going through...”
-David Bowie ['Changes']

My mother's health has been in really bad shape the last few weeks.
To be honest, I've been really scared.
My dad is really sick this week. Damn kidney stones.
My husband's back was out for a week.
I pulled a muscle in my back and was in so much pain I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days.
We have over 300 dollars in unpaid and over-due bills.
And we will be owing 185 dollars in school tuition next week.

complain.complain.complain.


I am well aware of my situation.Telling me that God is in control is neither comforting nor helpful to me or anyone in my family. We've talked about it. It's a fact.

Today, someone I love stood in front of me for 15 minutes. Screaming at God and asking Him if He even existed.

I know she means well.
Actually, I don't.
But I convince myself that she does.
I love her.
But it's so terribly hard sometimes.

Just because you believe in Him, doesn't mean your life is easy.
Why should we get treated any different? No one owes us anything in this life.

Jeez. I just had to write out my thoughts...

I captured this in New Orleans. I want to go back. Soon? Oh please, soon.

I am terrible and self promoting.

Here:

http://kelseysunshine.tumblr.com

I 'sea!'

I remember it well.
The day I went mad.
It really was the scariest day of my life.
But it also was...one of the best.

Maybe what I am isn't insane though...

"'Geniuses don't go mad,' he said. 'That's what people don't understand. They get out, so far out that the water is like glass and they can see for miles and see so much, and in ways people have never seen before. They go out over such depths, down down down and down, and some of them get taken. Something rushes up out of their thoughts, from the insides of their own heads and through the act of looking and the thinking itself - because the deep blue is in there too, do you understand? It takes them.'"
-Mr. Nobody
['The Raw Shark Texts' page 140]

I would never claim to be a genius.
But this passage captures how it felt.
I feel like I can see so clearly now.
As if...the world has somehow become so much more beautiful.


I never want to go back.

High. Not on life.

I took something for the pain. I pulled a muscle in my back.
It feels like I lit myself on fire every time i move my left arm.

I like to think I'm pretty good when it comes to pain.
Maybe I'm a baby though.

Pearce made me take a pain pill. He feels sad when I hurt.
Oy vey. I wish they made pills like that for emotional pain. That would be lovely, hm?
Just feel numb until enough time passes and your spirit is healed.Think of what you could accomplish??

Eh...on second thought if they did have something out there like that, it'd probably screw up your liver and give your eyes cancer or something.

Any way, the pill made me loopy. I almost tripped standing. Please someone tell me how this is possible.

At least it feels a teeny better and I can lift my arm a bit.

Also, with Pearce being ill and in bed all week...and now me hurting myself...we've been spending a lot of time watching movies. Old movies. New movies. Maybe too many movies.

I'm going to tape a piece of paper that says READ A BOOK on our television. Maybe we'll get the hint...

My Tumbleweed Dream Home

I don't have expensive dreams.
At least, I think I don't.
My dreams are beautifully tangible.

Don't get me wrong.
It's not because I don't know how to dream.
And it's not because I'm a lame dreamer.
I actually am really happy and passionate about my dreams.
And actually, I still need a bit of magic to make my dreams come true.
Isn't that what makes your dreams, dreams? Magic. I think so.

My first dream is to live in my own place with my husband.
Not just any place.
I HATE apartments.
I HATE town homes.
I HATE gated communities.
Not that I could ever afford that last one...and not that I would ever want to any way.

I hate money.
I hate that you have to have it.
I hate that I need it.

I don't have any of it. I've been eating week-old cereal for my meals since I got back from New Orleans.

(SIDENOTE: My parents gave me a grocery card last night so I can have something in the cupboards...so no worries about us.)

Actually, when my husband is out of school and is working, I want to have a little piece of land (rented or owned...probably rented. Owning is too...final.) and build a Roulotte.
With our own two hands.
It's perfect. Not too big.
Snug as a Bug.
It's how I was meant to roam the earth.
Simply.